Analysis of my current mood

I’ve been ordered to try again on the whole “writing” thing. So, here goes.

I have a paper to write. It is very late, but the teacher says she will accept it. My mom is bugging me to write it, making me less likely to actually do so. I really WANT to write it, but the more my mom nags me the less inspiration I have.  But if I tell her that, she’ll yell at me. So I’m stuck.

Thanksgiving was… Okay. I saw a lot of my cousins, but it wasn’t as fun as past years. My cousin who I shall refer to as Ginger (due to her hair colour) used to be the reason I loved Thanksgiving. It was the only time of year I got to see her. She’s 2 or 3 years younger than I am, putting us close in emotional age (I have been pretty consistently 2 years behind in most things, from my own observations) and so we got along great. We used to play with little Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer toys, and watch movies, and every year we made a turkey out of vegetables with help from our other cousins, and we would play on the computer. We had a Millsbury account we shared (we were really cool) and when we were REALLY young (before either of us was anywhere close to puberty) we’d take a bath together. Well, over the past few years we started growing apart. When I hit puberty I didn’t change much. We were still friends. When SHE hit puberty, she changed COMPLETELY. She’s a cheerleader and wears tight trendy clothes and acts like an idiot because she thinks it’s “cute”. She has completely rejected me and my nerdy ways. We didn’t say a word to each other this year (although I tried, I asked if she wanted to play a game and she didn’t even respond). So, that was depressing.

Something that has changed recently is now my mom brings her boyfriend to Thanksgiving. He sometimes brings his son. I think I need to come up with a nickname for the son besides Stepbrother, but that will have to do for now. So, I hung out a lot with Stepbrother this year, and we played Settlers of Catan and he played his guitar. He’s cool. But I’m getting tired of spending time with people. I need time alone to recharge if I am to be at all social or productive. I was not given a single opportunity to do so all day, then my mom couldn’t understand why I was so antisocial and unproductive.

Another thing is that my back hurt a lot today. I need to stretch out to make my back comfortable, and I try to when I need it. But today when I was sitting in a comfy chair, I put my feet on the footstool so I could stretch and immediately mom’s boyfriend decided he needed the footstool and moved my feet so he could sit on it. I couldn’t lie on the floor because I’d be in the way. So I just dealt with it.

Now I am at mom’s boyfriend’s house, 3 hours from home. He lives 3 hours from my grandparents’ house. I don’t want to be here. I want to go home.

I feel like I’m going to cry.

Well, then.

Today, after reading blogs all day instead of doing my homework (I had a really bad headache, okay?) I decided that clearly I need a blog.

Now, this is not to say that I’m new to the world of blogging! Oh, no. I’ve had several blogs in the past, they just… Never got updated. Quite sad really. I plan to break that pattern by actually updating this one on a somewhat regular basis.

Really! I am!

Anyhow, a bit about myself. My name is Torako, or at least that’s what you’re going to know me as. There are a lot of people who are important in my life, but I need to think of codenames for them. I suppose I can just call them by their online names for now… I have a girlfriend, Neona or N30na, who is very dear to me but infinitely more 1337 than I could ever aspire to be. I have a sort-of-boyfriend, who I think goes by the names of Firefly09td or Firelife on this series of tubes we refer to as the interwebz. He is good at making videos and until recently had adorable fluffy pink hair. But he cut it off. The other important person in my life who has an online persona is Nrot/Chroniclinux, who may or may not still be considered to be dating me, I think not. We never “officially” broke up though, and given the fluid nature of my relationships (everyone loves everyone else) I’m not sure it really matters.

But about me. I am 18 years old and genderqueer, although when asked I identify myself as female and use female pronouns, so for all/most intents and purposes I am female. I am attending my freshman year of college… I am a Computer Science major and I can code at least to an extent in Visual Basic, C++, and C#. Well, and HTML but I mean, everyone knows HTML. Oh and I’ve played with CSS, and I can read Java, and I used to know a bit of ActionScript, and um… Oh, Neona once helped me write a program in bash, but it was really just “hello world” with more obscenities. Which, of course, we left up on the screen (which happened to be the television) because we’re just classy like that.

I’m getting off the subject here. Me. I’m introducing myself. Yes…

I have been diagnosed with ADD and Scoliosis, although I strongly suspect that I also have Asperger’s Syndrome, Bipolar, Depression, and possibly some form of Fibromyalgia. I also have diagnosed myself (as no doctor could diagnose it really) with BIID, or Body Integrity Identity Disorder. Basically, it means that my brain and my body don’t match up. My body is able-bodied (mostly) but my brain thinks it is paraplegic (although it’s not quite sure what level). My BIID is unusual in that most people know exactly where it is, but I don’t. I think it’s because very few people figure out what’s going on as early as I did. I have known about this since I was 16 years old.

Anyhow, that’s enough about me I think. I have class in 5 hours and should probably try to get some sleep before then. Night night!

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